8 STEPS TO BE STRONG AFTER A BREAKUP
1). Cut off ties with your ex: When you two broke up, it likely happened for a reason. Not contacting your ex is an important step in healing from a breakup. You may feel desperate to contact your ex, especially in the beginning, but remind yourself of the reasons you broke up. Stay strong and stay away from that phone!
Romantic love stimulates dopamine pathways in the brain, making you feel “rewarded” for your emotions. When you break up, your brain treats it the same way as it treats a drug addiction. No matter how hard it feels, don’t give in to the craving, or you’ll never kick it.
Don’t call or text your ex. If you need to, delete his or her number from your phone and contacts. Don’t email or send messages on social media.
Cyberstalking is a real thing. Don’t look up your ex on Facebook or Instagram. You’ll only concentrate on the pictures of him or her being happy and having a good time. You’ll keep looking for clues and memories, keeping you from feeling better. If you have to, block your ex on your pages so you’re not tempted.
Don’t “vaguebook” (post vague statuses on social media) in a bid for attention. Focusing on the past will only keep you from moving toward your future.
2). Get rid of mementos: Holding on to treasured gifts from your ex or photos of the two of you will hold you back from healing and moving on. You may even find that having them around triggers feelings of sadness, loneliness, or anger.
Delete photos of your ex from social media accounts (or at least crop him or her out of the photos).
Resist the urge to do things that you used to do together, like listen to “your song” or visit your favorite date spot. These things will keep you focused on the relationship you don’t have anymore, instead of allowing you to go out and form new relationships (and strengthen existing ones).
Memories aren’t always triggered by things. Even sounds and scents can trigger a memory or emotion. If this happens, don’t try to ignore or deny it. Acknowledge the feeling: “Oh, that smell reminds me of our pizza date nights. I miss those.” And then move on.
If you have things that seem too nice to throw out, consider donating them to a charity or thrift store. You’ll be able to let go of that t-shirt/coffee mug/teddy bear, and you’ll be making a positive difference in someone else’s life, too.
3).
Play nice: It’s too easy to go out and slash your ex’s tires, key his or her car, or egg his or her house. You could spread rumors about him or her and start the gossip mill going, but don’t. This behavior will only keep you locked in the past instead of focusing on how you’re going to move past the breakup. It may even lose you some friends.
About half of people admit to stalking their ex in some way after a breakup, from making unwanted phone calls to threatening or even vandalizing an ex’s property. Carrie Underwood may make it sound like fun revenge, but this type of behavior just makes it harder to recover from the breakup.
Stalking and destructive behavior is also illegal. Is your ex worth an arrest record? Didn’t think so.
4). Avoid rash decisions: After a breakup, it’s common to want to get your hair cut or dyed or get a tattoo. This helps us feel like we’re changing our identities and that we can be a whole new person, a person that didn’t have this relationship. Remember that your brain chemistry is altered during a breakup, and your judgment is more than likely impaired right now.
Let some time pass. If after a few months you still really want that tattoo because it symbolizes something important, go for it then.
5). Keep yourself busy: Distraction is only a temporary cure, but it can really help take your mind off the pain from your breakup. Keeping yourself busy with things you enjoy, especially if they’re new and exciting, will help you realize that your life isn’t over after all.
Read that book series you’ve been meaning to get around to but never have. Join a book club so you can talk about it with others!
Take a class, learn a new skill, pick up a new hobby. Learning new skills will remind you that you’re capable of growth and achievement.
Call up people you’ve been meaning to chat with for months and haven’t. Remind yourself that you’re surrounded by people who love and support you.
6). Exercise: It is a good way to vent your frustration and pain. It releases endorphins, those chemicals in your brain that make you happy. Regular moderate exercise can help you fight off anxiety and depression, too. Aim for 30 minutes a day to feel that rush.
If you think your schedule doesn’t allow it, think again. Look into high-intensity interval training where you only need to work out in small, 15-minute chunks. Alternatively, do a bit in the morning and then at night. It doesn’t have to be all at once.
Make less noticeable efforts, too, like parking far away from the entrance of where you’re going or washing the car by hand.
Just don’t approach exercise as a way to “fix” yourself. This is an unhealthy way of approaching it, and can lead to body image distortions and other mental health issues. Exercise because it’s good for your body and mind, not because you feel you “need” to in order to be desirable to others.
7). Forgive and forget: After the initial phase of shock and grief has passed, you’ll find yourself in a place where you can let things go and remain cool. When you forgive your ex for everything that happened, the forgetting can start. That’s okay; it’s the natural cycle. Remember: forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not the other person.
One way to forgive someone is to start by remembering what it is you want to forgive. Recall how it made you feel. Notice your thoughts about yourself and about your ex.
Reflect on this experience. What can you learn from it? Perhaps there are things you would do differently. Perhaps there are things you hope the other person would do differently. What will you look for in the future? How will you use this experience to grow?
Remember that forgiveness isn’t an excuse for bad behavior. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with that person, or that you’re saying s/he was “right” to do what s/he did. It means letting go of the burden of anger. Forgiveness makes you free.
Remind yourself that you cannot control how others act. The only thing you can control is your own actions and responses.
Tell yourself that you forgive the other person for his or her mistakes. And remember that it can take some time for you to fully feel forgiveness — that’s okay.
8). Give it time: You are heartbroken now, but you won’t be heartbroken later. It sounds cliche, but it’s cliche for a good reason — time really does heal your wounds. You need time to get perspective on things. While it may be uncomfortable now to think of this person as a memory, later on s/he can be a memory you’re quite fond of and glad it happened. People don’t fade automatically, so don’t be hard on yourself if the grieving process doesn’t seem to go away. That’s natural. But have faith that it will.
The thing is that when it does pass, you won’t really realize it. You’ll wake up one day and realize that you haven’t thought about this person for weeks. It happens slowly and under the radar. Although sometimes its good to give love a second and third chance... LOVE IS SWEET
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